What a Difference a Day Makes

... or I guess I should say a few hours! 

After everything that happened yesterday, our doctor, Dr. "V" (Mark Vajaranant) asked that I come back this morning to take another measurement of my hCG hormones to see whether or not my body was terminating the pregnancy on its own, or whether I would have to have it surgically removed. My appointment was at 10, they took my blood right away. (Right off the bat, I was slightly nervous because my body temp was higher than normal, which is a sign of pregnancy). 

Then I waited. And waited, and waited, and waited. I didn't get any word until 1 in the afternoon - 3 hours after my blood was drawn and sent to the labs! Needless to say, it would have been helpful if I took a magazine (or 3). The longer it went, the more nervous I got! 

Finally, Dr. V came into the waiting room and asked me to follow him. He pushed on my stomach and did a quick little exam, and there was no pain! (Hallelujah!) So, he explained that my hormones shot up over night. Yesterday morning, my hCG hormone was measuring about 522, and this morning it was 792! Because of this, and the fact that I had stopped bleeding, the doctor decided to take a closer look at my ultrasound pictures from the day before.

The mass that was seen in my right fallopian tube, he now suspects is actually a corpus luteum cyst. This type of cyst is very commonly present during pregnancies as it releases progesterone and estrogen during pregnancy.The reason the doctor thought it was an embryo before was because there is fluid floating around the mass (which he thought was the sac). After closer inspection, he now thinks that the fluid around the mass is blood. It's common that these types of cysts bleed (which would also explain the bleeding I've been experiencing).

More information can be found about these types of cysts here: http://www.ovarian-cysts.com/articles/ovarian-cyst-types/corpus-luteum-cyst.php

After he explained all of this to me, the first question I had was "Am I still pregnant?" I am thrilled to say that we are STILL PREGNANT, still expecting, and still on track. We're not out of the woods yet, though. Because he's not 100% certain that it is a cyst, there's still a possibility that we are having an ectopic pregnancy. He explained that things could go one of three ways: 1.) I could still miscarry; 2.) It could be an ectopic pregnancy; 3.)It could go on to be a normal, healthy pregnancy! (Come on, God, #3!!!!!!!!!) Because of all the uncertainty, the bleeding, the low hormone levels, and our last pregnancy that resulted in a stillbirth, it's considered a high risk pregnancy. I will be spending a LOT more time in the next few months in the hospital, doctors' offices, and clinics. I have more blood work Monday along with another ultrasound. I then have a follow up appointment at a doctor's office on Wednesday. 

Dr. V said he was hoping that by Monday my hormone levels will be over 1,000 - and if that's the case, we should be able to see a definite embryo in my uterus on Monday! (How absolutely fantastic would that be?!) If they can locate the embryo, and it's without a doubt in my uterus, we do not have to worry about #2 (ectopic pregnancy)!!! It will still be a high risk pregnancy, but hopefully, that will change. It would be absolutely amazing and wonderful. 

So, to all our friends and family who have been keeping us in their thoughts and prayers, keep all that positiveness coming! It has paid off beyond our wildest dreams and we are eternally grateful. While we are not trying to get our hopes too high, we can't help but be thrilled! There's still hope, and that's a whole lot more than what we had yesterday. :)

Baby Lauer - Disregard what I wrote to you earlier today.You have given mommy and daddy quite a scare! I hope and pray that we will get to see you Monday and you will be where you're supposed to be, growing, happy, and healthy! You have no idea how much reassurance that would give us. I know that's a lot to put on you, especially since you're going through a ton of stuff developmentally this week, but just you keep fighting! We all love you to pieces.

Heart Break

It seems like it was over before it even began. 

At some point Monday afternoon, this weird thought popped into my head and I couldn't shake the feeling the rest of the day. When Steve got home, I told him that I didn't "feel pregnant." (Looking back, it must have been my body's way of bracing itself for the next few days). He suggested that maybe it was because we had come down from our "baby high," since we told our parents and a few close friends and hadn't been telling anyone else. I thought maybe he was right, and kept my hand on my stomach the rest of the day trying to feel something. Then, on a trip to the bathroom, I wiped and there it was, the sign the something was already going wrong, the thing I was somehow preparing for before I even knew - blood. I sat there and stared for a minute, and wiped again thinking maybe I was wrong. Unfortunately, my eyes weren't playing tricks on me - it was as plain as day. I remember a horrible feeling washing over me as I started to whisper no. I sat rocking myself repeating no, no, no, no, please no. Then the waterworks started and there was no calming down. I walked out to the living room to Steve and he jumped up as soon as he saw me. At first he wasn't sure if it was hormones, but after a few seconds he understood. I didn't say anything, I just bawled. I went limp in his arms after a minute and he carried me to the bed where I cried uncontrollably for the next 30 minutes.

Normally, I don't overreact. I don't usually expect the worst (knowing that a lot of women bleed during the first few weeks of their pregnancy). But call it woman's intuition, call it being in tune with your body, call it whatever you want, I just knew.

By Tuesday, the blood hadn't stopped. The longer it went, the worse the worry got. It wasn't a heavy flow, the blood wasn't even red, in fact, there was very little blood at all - but nonetheless, it continued. Then came the cramps. I spent the entire day curled up on the couch clutching my stomach from the pain. At one point, it the pain was so bad that I couldn't talk, couldn't move, I could barely breath. I was scared, alone, and I couldn't even use my phone to call for help. Thankfully, after praying silently, I drug myself to the bathroom and got violently sick and then started to feel better. I called my doctors office, for help and advice (where I was scheduled the next day for my first prenatal appointment). Unfortunately, after explaining the situation to one woman, she transferred me to - I'm guessing - a nurse. I had to leave a message and I explained everything, gave my phone number, and was very panicked. I waited for the phone to ring and nothing. They never called me back. 

I knew going into my appointment on Wednesday that it wouldn't be the experience I was anticipating the week before. My hopes were dashed and I was just scared. The waiting room was tiny and with all 4 chairs taken up by obviously pregnant women, I was forced to stand in a corner. It was hot, I was on the verge of tears the whole time, and I was still bleeding. Finally, the nurse called my name and I went into the examination room. She took my weight and blood pressure and was so cheerful and asked if this was my first prenatal appointment. After nodding my head and obviously looking upset, she asked what my symptoms were. I told her I was bleeding and the smile left her face. "Are you having a miscarriage?" I kind of laughed and said that I had no idea what was going on, and that's why I was here. (Seriously? Bad question, lady). She immediately got the midwife who came in instantly and started asking questions. She was very kind and gentle and explained her concerns with me. After a very painful pelvic exam, she left to talk to her attending. She came back and said that she called the emergency room at UIC Hospital and they're expecting me. She explained what she thought was going on and gave me directions. I didn't even get to finish filling out my paperwork. 

I left dazed and confused. I called Steve at work, and thankfully, he was able to leave. I drove and picked him up and he drove us to the emergency room. We were taken to the OB floor of the hospital and immediately, my blood was drawn and a few other little tests took place. Then, we started the waiting game. We didn't know a lot of what was going on, and so we just waited. For over an hour, nothing happened. I finally went out and asked a nurse if I was going to have an ultrasound soon (as we watched 5 women go into the ultrasound room who arrived after us). We waited another 30 minutes, and finally a midwife came and talked to us. 

She said that my blood work was inconclusive and that they probably won't have a definitive answer for us as to what's going on when we left the hospital. My pregnancy hormone level was extremely low. I explained how 2 weeks prior, it was high enough for two at home pregnancy tests to pick it up. She scribbled a few notes, looked over my family's health history, asked a few more questions and told us that we were next for the ultrasound. 

After more waiting, we went into the room and started the ultrasound. The midwife was there, there was a tech, the doctor, and Steve. They did an internal ultrasound and after searching for awhile, found a small mass in my right fallopian tube. The doctor then did another quite painful pelvic exam and said they wanted to keep me overnight. Because my hCG hormones were so low, and they found a mass, they said I have a tubal pregnancy. (An ectopic pregnancy is when the baby implants somewhere outside of your uterus, and a tubal pregnancy is when it implants inside your fallopian tubes. It is very dangerous and there's no way to transplant the fertilized egg into your uterus). 

So there it was. Amid a sterile, cold environment, I found out what my body was telling me. That I was not going to be a mother in February. Steve and I had another heart break to face. I couldn't cry, I refused to cry in front of doctors. They were explaining to us what was going on and I had tuned out. The realization hit me that not only was I not going to be a mother, I had a little time bomb in my body that if it went off, I would need major surgery, and could possibly lose my right tube and ovary. They left to allow Steve and I to talk things over. I just asked him, "So I can't have the baby?" He gently told me no and hugged me. I refused to cry but the damn tears started welling up and I did everything in my power to bite them back. He started telling me that the doctor wanted to keep me over night, in case the tube would rupture. He also said that because we live so close to the hospital, I could go home but needed to watch out for certain symptoms. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to get into a hospital gown, hooked up to monitors and IVs, and lay in that cold, sterile room. I would go insane. I just wanted to go home. 

The midwife came back and was very sweet. She sat with us and asked more questions. She answered questions we didn't think to ask, she told us questions to ask the doctor, and she held our hands. She was very sad for us and very kind. She explained that if we go home, I had to come back the next morning for more blood work. If my hormone levels stay the same or lower, that means that my body is handling the situation 'naturally.' If it rises, that means my body is continuing with the pregnancy, and the doctors will have to terminate it with laparoscopic surgery. 

So this morning, I have an appointment to find out whether or not my body is aborting the embryo that I'm so in love with, or if I have to have surgery to terminate the pregnancy that I wanted so badly. Neither seems fair.

After going through our terrible loss of our daughter in January, I told Steve once we found out about this pregnancy, that it had to go right. It had to be okay. I couldn't handle another heart break. And yet, here we are, realizing that having a child will never be easy, wondering how many more times we will be pregnant before having a baby. I know I have to stay strong and be positive, and I will get there. But for now, I just feel sad and broken. 

Baby Lauer - even though I can't hold you, even though you're still a tiny little spec, please know that you were loved and will always be. Your father and I wanted you so badly and are torn up that we can't have you. Keep your big sister company in heaven. And please know that someday, daddy and I will meet you and hold you and we will continue to remember you and love you each and every day until then.

Letter to My Angel

Baby Lauer,

I'm practically counting down the hours until I go our first prenatal appointment - 2 days, 13 hours, and 40ish minutes. (I guess that means that I'm literally counting down the hours). There are a million reasons why I'm excited to go:

1. I get to talk about you more! :)

2. We found out about you very early, so we can make sure everything's going well with you developmentally.

3. I get to ask a million questions about the new things going on.

4. There's a VERY small chance that I might be able to see your heartbeat. (I'm torn here, b/c I know daddy would be really sad if he didn't get to see your little heart pumping away too). 

5. There's also another very small chance I might get to get my first glimpse of my future son or daughter!!! (Again, I know daddy would be upset if he didn't get to see you).

6. We'll find out your official due date! (So excited to hear when you might grace us with your presence!)

So by now, you know your dad's not going to be able to make it to the appointment. There are a few reasons for this. This was the earliest possible time they could get me in and since it's during the day, dad will be at work. Also, I know that it's going to be a long, grueling appointment because of your sister and I didn't think it was necessary for your dad to miss several hours of work. He drove me by the doctor's office this morning, so he would know where we'll be on Wednesday morning and I know where I'm going. He's a pretty sweet guy, your dad - we're pretty lucky. So please, little one, be on your best behavior Wednesday morning - we certainly don't want to miss the appointment or get sick on the doctor or anything.

Yesterday, you and I took an adventure up to Vernon Hills, Illinois to hang out with Emily! It was a fun day and she surprised me with some adorable pregnancy scrapbook stickers! (And as I'm sure you're already finding out in there, your mommy loves paper and scrapbooking and you. So anything that combines all 3 is heaven!!!) Auntie Em (as she likes to refer to herself) also took us for an amazing brunch to celebrate you! She's just the sweetest, isn't she? You liked lunch a lot, I promise. We got to preview where her gorgeous wedding will take place on July 23rd of 2011 - it's hard to believe that you'll be 5 months old by then! On the way home, there was a lot of heavy traffic and someone cut me off. To avoid the accident, I had to slam on my brakes and swerve - and the seat belt really dug into my tummy where you're living right now. I was so upset because I instantly started cramping up, but I prayed and the pain went away. You're doing just fine today and not giving mommy any troubles, so I'm hoping that all is well in there. 

Daddy is very much in love with you already. He keeps touching my tummy and he's been sleeping with his arms wrapped around your home. He's so excited to see you for the first time and hear your little heart beating away. We talk about you nonstop and he makes sure every morning that I'm taking my prenatal vitamins. (Your Grandma Royer keeps on me about feeding you constantly!) Dad and I have already discussed a few possible names for you - we're just so excited about you! He told me that I had to sing to you everyday and that he's never going to sing to you. (You'll learn this quickly about your parents, but mommy can sing pretty well and poor daddy can't carry a tune!) He wants to make sure that you have the best advantages in life. We went by a gorgeous college prep high school today and if we live in this area, we decided today that we'll send you there. 

I hope you can tell that you're the center of our world even though your little organs haven't developed yet and your heart hasn't started pumping. We talk about you all the time, think about you nonstop, and our love for you has continued growing since the moment we found out about our wonderful surprise. I know you've heard some talk about your angel sister, who would have almost been 2 months old by now. She was a very sick little baby and she came way too early. Since daddy and I have already done so much for you, I'd like to strike a deal with you. We will continue to take care of you the best we can for the rest of your life, if you promise to stay in there for 9 months and stay healthy. That would be wonderful.

5 Weeks

This week, Baby Lauer is the size of an apple seed or a sesame seed.

How Far Along? : Yesterday, June 3rd, marked 5 weeks!

(5 week belly bump coming soon!!!)

Baby's Development This Week : This week, Baby Lauer looks like a little tadpole. (S)he's starting to form major organs such as the heart, kidney, liver, and stomach. Also, major systems are starting to form such as the nervous, circulatory, and digestive systems. Because (s)he's growing so fast, the heart will actually start beating and pumping blood later this week! Grow, baby, grow! :)

Maternity Clothes? : None, although with the bloating I'm wearing my sweat pants a lot more often!

Stretch Marks? : Still way too early for this! (I hope!!!)

Best Moment this Week : Telling our parents about the sweet, little Peanut to-be! :)

Symptoms : No huge difference from last week. Mornings and nights are when it hits the most and nonstop migraines. Still running to the bathroom at least every 20 minutes - a lot of cramps have been plaguing me this week. :( The hormones are still raging out of control - I'm looking forward to evening out.

Movement : Again, still too early, but I'm looking forward to the first kick from our baby!

Food Cravings : Last week, I was shying away from spices and this week, I'm craving it! 

Aversions : Still saying no to pickles! I'm a lot hungrier this week, so I'm not staying too far away from any kind of food. :)

Gender : We still have no idea, but are SO looking forward to finding that out in 10 weeks!

Sleep : Still having a hard time sleeping at night - it's so frustrating to wake up feeling exhausted, sore, and cranky! 

What I Miss : Sleep, regular hormones, Excedrin (the only pills that make my migraines go away!). Oh well, it's all worth it :)

What I am Looking Forward To : Still so many things! I'm really excited about the doctor's appointment this upcoming week - I'm praying that the doctor gives both momma and baby a clean bill of health. (Not looking forward to the grueling tests and questions, but it's for a good cause!) Looking forward to the first ultrasound and for both Steve & I to see our beautiful new little miracle :)

Weekly Wisdom : Trying to stay positive is still the best thing I can do for myself and this sweet little guy in my stomach. I'm also trying to control these raging hormones!

Milestones : Well, we made it to week 5 and I'd say that's a pretty great milestone!

4 Weeks

This week, Baby Lauer is the size of a poppy seed.

How Far Along : 4 weeks - 1 month!

( Baby 'bump' at exactly 4 weeks into the pregnancy!
It's so hard for me to believe that there's a little baby in there!!! )

Maternity Clothes? : Hopefully, we're still a long way from this!

Stretch Marks? : Again, let's hope this comes a long while from now :)

Best Moment this Week : Finding out that Steve & I are expecting a baby!!!!!!! Dreaming, planning, thinking, hoping, and praying about the tiny little child in our future :) (who just happens to be making a home for his- or herself in my tummy right now!)

Symptoms : Morning and night sickness - thankfully, it seems to take a break during noon! I never thought I would be thanking God while hanging over the toilet. I've been having a ton of air bubbles in my tummy, daily migraines, I'm exhausted, and smells are really getting to me. I pee at least every 30 minutes and usually it's about every 10-15 minutes. My bladder must be the size of the baby right now! (Also, my hormones are kickin' it into high gear - poor Steve!)

Movement : None, other than the air bubbles moving around like crazy in there!

Food Cravings : I've been kind of shying away from food lately because of the morning/night sickness, so the only thing I'm craving is to eat a meal without it making me sick.

Aversions : Rich foods, especially ice cream - which is a total bummer! I thought pregnant women craved ice cream! I'm staying away from anything spicy or really heavy. (Btw, I will never fit into the stereotype of craving pickles - can you say d.i.s.g.u.s.t.i.n.g?!)

Gender : No idea as of yet! Steve and I fantasize about having a boy first, so our next child can have a big brother. But, believe me, we will be ecstatic with a girl too!

Sleep : If you know me, you know that sleep and I are the best of friends. I could be wired and once my head hits the pillow, I'm out. (This fact frustrates Steve because he'll be tired and ask me to come to bed with him and even though I'm wide awake, I do. He'll lay there, no sign of the sandman in sight, exhausted - and I'll be well into my first dream!) But lately, this is not at all the case. I toss and turn, my back aches, I can't get comfortable and when I'm finally sleeping, my bladder wakes me up and I run to the bathroom. So frustrating!

What I miss : Other than good sleep, nothing! This is a blessing and I am thrilled!

What I am looking forward to : So many things!!!! Our first prenatal visit is June 9th, and I'm hoping the baby's heart will be pumping by then so we can see it! I'm looking forward to reaching week 5, I'm so looking forward to week 15 when we find out whether we're having a bouncing baby boy, or a gorgeous baby girl! I'm looking forward to feeling his/her first kick, the first ultrasound, hearing the baby's heartbeat. And I'm SO looking forward to telling Steve's parents!!!! (That's another post!)

Weekly Wisdom : I'm quickly learning that even from one pregnancy to the next, things are drastically different. I'm feeling all new things this time around, new symptoms, new emotions - everything is different! Being positive is the best thing I can be in light of how our last pregnancy ended. I'm worried out of my mind right now, but am trying so hard to remember that every pregnancy is different. (And no ice cream right before bed!)

Milestones : The biggest milestone is the most obvious one of the week - just finding out that Steve and I have been blessed with a little bun in the oven is a huge deal! I cannot wait to see how this pregnancy transpires.

Steve's Surprise

So my last post was all about how I found out, and this one is about how I surprised Steve with the big news.

First of all, I have to give myself some major credit for not calling him at work and blurting it out over the phone as soon as I was thinking straight. I kept myself busy reading all about what was going on with the baby developmentally and looking into doctors that I was able to keep my mouth shut--barely. Steve sent several text messages to me throughout the day just to say hello and that he loves me, etc, to which I replied making sure the word "baby" got slipped into the text each and every time.

The day flew by and before I knew it, it was 3 o'clock and Steve would be home in a few hours! Because of the way we both found out about our previous pregnancy (a story for another day), I wanted to make sure that this would be a special, beautiful memory that we could proudly tell friends and family. So, I got to work thinking. I came up with a million ideas, but I knew I couldn't do them all! So I settled on the following.

But first, some background information: Steve & I met in high school and after school almost everyday, he had baseball practice. Because he went to the private school in my town, I was able to drive over and leave special treats in his car when he was at practice. I'd leave candy bars, notes I wrote throughout the day, pictures, etc. Just little things to let him know that I was thinking of him. Over our 6 year history together, I found ways as often as I could to show him that I loved him and was thinking of him always. I would do scavenger hunts to find birthday presents, surprise birthday parties, 365 Hershey kisses complete with reasons on each why I love him, etc.
The night before I found out, I made a delicious, candle-lit dinner and we talked about how much we loved each other, how happy we are together, and all the sweet things we used to do for one another. It was a romantic evening, perfect for a prelude to the surprise I got the next morning!

How I Surprised Steve: Because the setting was so perfect from the night before, I settled on a scavenger hunt. Once Steve got home from work, he was greeted with a note on our door that read: "Scavenger Hunt! Remember our conversation last night about the sweet things I used to do for you? Here's something sweet for a new memory."
He was excited (as he always is for my little surprises) and didn't even take off his shoes before he was ready to start the hunt! So, I handed him the first clue which read:
"Something's wrong with the oven--there's a smell coming from there. Will you check inside for me?"
He immediately walked to the oven and opened the door. Inside he found a cinnamon bun.

(This was his first clue, but he had no idea!) He happily grabbed the bun and exclaimed, "Thanks, babe! I'm starving!" And with that, he sat down at the table and started eating the bun! (AH!) I was so anxious for him to keep searching that I almost burst while he ate! Finally, he finished and read the clue that came with the bun, which read "What's our new favorite game?" He smiled and walked to the place we keep our games and pulled out the Scrabble Box. He opened the lid and smiled when he read it:

"That's so sweet, babe!" He kissed me and while that was his second - and what I thought was  very obvious - clue, he still had no idea whatsoever. The next clue read "Check where we spend our nights dreaming of what the future holds." So, he walked to the bed and found this underneath a pillow.

The note read, "Before you open your present, kiss your wife anywhere she requests." He happily turned to me and kissed my lips. I pointed to my neck, and after he obliged, I pointed to my stomach and my heart started pounding. He lifted up my shirt and a huge smile spread across his lips.

He got the last clue pretty quickly! He stood up and hugged me tighter than he ever has before and started laughing because I wrote "hello, daddy" across my stomach. "So I assume that's the positive test?" he pointed to the 'present.' I nodded, with tears in my eyes.

I don't think the surprise could have gone any better! It all happened quickly, but it was such a beautiful and memorable event that I know Steve & I will cherish for the rest of our lives. We spent the rest of the evening talking excitedly about the possibilities that lie ahead, and our fears of a miscarriage or stillbirth happening again. But, we decided the best thing to do is to be positive and let God and nature take care of the rest.

Baby Lauer: we already love you so much! Even though you're a tiny speck right now, our hearts have grown by leaps and bounds in the week that we've known about you. You have given us more hope and excitement than you can possibly imagine - you are such a beautiful blessing. I promise to take care of myself so that you have a great place to live and grow in for the next 8 months. Just promise you'll stay healthy and take your time - mommy and daddy will be anxiously awaiting your arrival in 2011.

Great Expectations

Expectations: the act or state of looking forward or anticipating; a prospect of future good.
Expecting: to anticipate the birth of ones child; to be pregnant with a due date of February 3, 2011.

If you hadn't guessed it by now, WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!

This amazing news came 4 short months after our first child was stillborn in January. And while we still mourn her loss, we are looking with hopeful eyes towards the future.

How I Found Out: Steve and I decided after losing our daughter that we wouldn't prevent anything, as my doctor told me it might be best to allow my body to regulate my hormones naturally without the pill, but that we wouldn't actively try (ie-counting days, using ovulation kits, etc.). We decided to leave it in God's hands and let things happen naturally, and surprise! He decided not to keep us waiting long!

The news came at the end of a very long, hectic, but wonderful couple of days: We packed up our apartment at Purdue and moved (by ourselves) with a cargo van to a new apartment in Chicago. While this seemed like a good--and cheap!--idea at the time, we quickly learned that it was exhausting and difficult. After literally moving nonstop for about 24 hours, 50 elevator rides, locking the ONLY set of keys in the cargo van, waiting over an hour for AAA to save us, 2 trips to Chicago and 2 return trips to Purdue, we decided we needed more driving and moving! The next morning, Steve drove to Indianapolis (about an hour away) to pick up a weight set he bought off Craigslist, drove back to Purdue, picked me up along with a few odds and ends, drove to Chicago to drop some things off, unpacked for an hour or so, got back in the car and made an 8 hour road trip home to Ohio. (Phew!)

That weekend, I was in a friend's wedding, so I got up early the next morning and was off getting my dress altered, attending the bachelorette party, making floral arrangements, running errands, making chocolate covered strawberries by the millions, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner--you know, the typical duties of a bridesmaid. After the wedding was over, Steve and I were beyond exhausted but made our trip BACK to Chicago and collapsed.

The first night we spent in our new place was good, but I awoke the next morning with a migraine. This pattern continued for the next week and I had one so badly that I could barely move from the bed except to run to the bathroom to get sick. Having battled with these my whole life, I wasn't too off put by the sickness, but Steve knew something was up. (Especially because my period was still a week away and my breasts were swollen and unusually tender). He kept kidding with me telling me "oh you're just pregnant, stop whining!" I, of course, didn't believe him and he, I don't think, didn't believe himself either! I kept putting the idea out of my head and ignoring the now obvious signs.

Finally, the morning of May 27th (the start date of my period), I allowed myself to daydream while laying in bed trying to get over the migraine that had yet again graced me upon waking. I kept my eyes closed while I fantasized about what my husband kept joking about with me." Could I be pregnant? No, I dare not let myself dream. But if I am, I wonder how far along, or when the baby might be due." My lips involuntarily drew upwards in a great big smile as my heart started beating faster. My eyes fluttered open and I walked dizzily towards the bathroom where I pulled out a pregnancy test from the arsenal we had acquired over the past several months. I took the test groggily and kept telling myself "you're not pregnant, don't be disappointed." I set the test down and looked at it a moment, read the package for what means pregnant and went to the kitchen to get breakfast. A few minutes later, I realized the test was just waiting in the bathroom to tell me the news. I finished eating and with my heart skipping a beat I looked down at the white plastic stick. There, in front of my eyes, was a faint blue line in the results window. For a few minutes, I stopped--my head stopped thinking, my heart stopped beating, everything was quiet, and the world started spinning around me as I unknowingly started jumping up and down, giggling, and crying.

Because the line was faint, I immediately ran to the Internet and started researching whether this meant I was pregnant or if it was a bad test. Everything I read from experts said that I was more than likely pregnant but to wait a few days and test again to make sure. If you know me at all, you know there is no way I could keep from telling Steve for a few days--absolutely no way! So, I kept researching and dreaming and hoping. The rest of my day was spent smiling nonstop, researching possible due dates, where the baby is developmentally, and planning.

God knows what you need and when you need it. Although Steve and I have been through a heartbreaking, gut wrenching couple of months this year, it looks like 2010 will turn out to be a blessed and beautiful year after all! God could not have planned for me to find out at a better time than that day. Even though I questioned so many things because of our devastating loss, my faith has been restored because of that faint blue line on a piece of plastic.